I’m a recovered runner. And I’m not talking about the athletic kind. I mean the kind that when things got tough, I ran. When relationships hit a rough patch, I ran. When there was drama, I ran. When there was confrontation, I ran. I ran from feelings, emotions, and any situation that made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t just a runner, I was emotionally unavailable. You know that song by Luke Combs, Going Going Gone? Loving her is like roping in the wind. That girl is going going gone. She was made for moving on. She ain’t got one bit of stick around. Yep, that was me. One hundred percent me.
I come from a long line of emotionally unavailable people. That’s where I learned it. The unlearning has been a challenge. The first step to recovery is acknowledging it. The patterns of my past relationships reflect my detachment style. I chose partners that didn’t match my energy. I chose partners that weren’t deserving of me. I chose partners that were unhealed, didn’t have their life together, and didn’t have a plan for where they were going. And now and only now I know why. This gave me the upper hand. If I made more money than my partner, I had the upper hand. If I had better goals, I had the upper hand. If I had the upper hand, I couldn’t be hurt. If things went south, I could run. I could do the hurting and the leaving before it was done to me first. I have done a lot of leaving. I have broken a lot of hearts. That behavior catches up with you over time. It is only now that I fully understand why I did the things that I did. And I’m not proud of it.
The last few years I have started to change what I look for in a partner. I no longer date beneath me. I’m looking for an equal. I’m looking for a true partner. I have leveled up and I expect my partner to do the same. I have learned than in order to attract what I truly want, I have to be those things myself. My checklist is long. I have to hold myself accountable as well to these highest of standards. What you manifest, is what you attract. But you yourself have to be what you are manifesting. If you don’t, it just doesn’t work.
Every relationship has been filled with lessons. The greatest lesson I have learned happened within this last year. I finally chose someone who I thought was worthy of my time, my attention, and my effort. I even changed his name in my contacts so that every time he texted or called it was from “Worth the Wait.” (I won’t share with you what is says now) No matter how hard I tried, or how patient I was, or how long I was willing “to wait” for him to reciprocate, he didn’t. He was the old me. A runner. Emotionally unavailable and unwilling and incapable of reciprocation. I couldn’t even be mad about it. I understood. I was once just like him. He was my lesson. I asked God 5,420 times to show me a clear and definitive sign that he wasn’t the one. And he didn’t. I asked again and again. He didn’t ever send a sign. I really wanted the baby grand piano to fall out of the sky just like in the cartoons and flatten me as a sign that he wasn’t the one. It didn’t. Until it did. (Minus the piano crushing me). One night it clicked. My sadness and confusion, and the river of tears that I cried over this man far outweighed any happiness that he was bringing me. His not choosing me was a sign. His inability to reciprocate was a sign. His making me an option was a sign. His inability to commit to anything serious was a sign. The lesson…… ohhhhh the lesson! God was testing me. God wasn’t sending me any signs quickly. He wanted to test my patience. He wanted to see if I would stay. He wanted to see if I would run. He was testing me to see if I was capable of not running from the man that He intends for me. And I didn’t run. I gave it all I had. But it would never be enough. When it was time for me to let go, God made it crystal clear. And it was done. The man that God has for me will benefit greatly from my lesson learned. I have learned to stay. I have learned to fight for what is important to me.
And I’ll wait patiently for the man that God chooses to choose me back and fight for me as well. Because I AM WORTHY of being chosen and I AM WORTHY of reciprocation. We all are.